Uncertainty

I am mostly certain that I am uncertain about mostly everything.

I operate in uncertainty, despite my desire for order and control.  Once a friend told me that I often speak loudly out of overly-ambitious ignorance.  It wasn’t until then that I realized how unruly and arrogant I sounded, portraying myself as an asinine, biased news reporter regurgitating media propaganda.  I never perceived myself from this perspective because, in my head, I am fully aware of my negligence and lack of research on any given subject.  I had assumed that this humility spoke for itself, as would my background.  (I have a bachelor’s degree but its not in anything.)  Upon meditating on this (un)friendly statement, I have since chosen my tones more carefully.  Many statements now begin with a preface – “I heard/read/saw [fill in the blank] on the news/magazine/other media form.  What do you think about that?” or “A friend told me [this...]“  I generally emphasize the reporting source whether as a facesaving deflector of criticism or in genuine meekness.  Since this experiment began, I have not heard any complaints about a display of intellectual authority or overwhelming self-accreditation so I can only deduct two things.  Either, a display of humility and willing uncertainty has been received with ease, or I surrounded myself with weak cowardice friends who refuse confrontation leaving me to appear egotistical and nonsensical, a horrid combination.

Dad always taught me to be a well-rounded person.  Growing up, I appreciated that, especially in social circles where I could connect with almost anyone.  But I found that when becoming a Jack-of-all-trades, master-of-none there will always be someone who knows more than I do… on pretty much any subject.  Politics, religion, mechanics, video games, art, food, you name it, even myself.  There are people who know more about me than I do.  Uncertainty is inescapable.

Occasionally, a burdensome sensation wipes across my gut demanding to know.  To know and be known, as the Christian worldview emphasizes.  I cannot keep up.  Is it the Western culture/mindset that pressures us into feeling lesser when we discover our uncertainty or could there be a natural order of maturation and growth not to be stressed but a little pressed to seek knowledge?  Can we be respected without having made a decision?  How important is it that we know?  And what correlation does that have on faith?  I wish I knew.

It seems to me that to be uncertainty requires enough boldness and character security to solicit some level of respect, at least in some kind of upside down reversal world where people value integrity of character over falsehood and deception.  But should tact be valued over honesty?  Who knows?

And so, the only remaining certainty to claim is uncertainty.  And even that’s a little shaky.